Occasionally, you meet someone who wakes up a part of you that may have been forgotten. A part so far internally withheld, that it might be completely forgotten to have ever existed. It’s usually a passion. A passion for reading. A passion for language. A passion for music. A passion for caring for yourself? For believing in your self worth? Those people exist. And those people are gifts.
It’s not that I want to put the credit on any one person, in my life, for making me want to love myself again, but at different points in my life, where I might have forgotten to love myself, I have found what I didn’t know I needed.
The strength to leave an abusive relationship, the strength to stay away from the abusive relationship, the wisdom to believe I was worthy of being treated with respect by another person, those were all gifts that other people helped me find. Now there’s the person that wants to give me the gift to believe I don’t have to settle. To believe I’m worth the life I feel like I should be living… and I’m resisting. Because this life, this life I’ve created is so so sweet. It’s so normal. It’s everything I’ve thought I’ve always wanted. Except it’s not.
I know I want more. I know I want passion and adventure. It safety and routine. And now that I know that, how am I ever supposed to be ok with just being again?
Originally, I started blogging when I was staying in a domestic violence shelter with my older four children. I blogged throughout the majority of my awful divorce and ugly custody battle, about the injustices of th justice system, about my anxiety as a result of PTSD as an effect of the domestic violence. My plan, once I had this new baby, and once I was in a better place in my life, was to start a new blog. One focused on only the happy aspects of my new life, and the sad parts would be left out. So I started this blog months ago. Then it sat here waiting for me to have the perfect happy thing to post about. But I could never figure out how to make my happy words not have any shadows of the old pieces of my life, and finally, I realized, it would be impossible to never mention who I was before Nugget got here, since I only came to this place in my life by making it out of the dark places of my old life. So I’ll make my new writing goal more realistic. I’ll try to look at it more like my yoga practice. I can acknowledge the pieces of my old life and how they fit into my new life and move forward.. but I’ll never go anywhere trying to divorce myself from my past.
To my little piece of the intrawebz. I’m just a sometimes crunchy mama of a newish nugget, trying to live out my life goal of running away in a tiny house one day 😂😂😂
In the meantime, I work and spend time doing things that make me happy; running, hot yoga, exploring, weightlifting, reading and spending time with my little family in Tallahassee, FL.